Once when I was little I jumped into swimming pool with my little brother. We were both under the age of ten and not excellent swimmers. I convinced my little brother that we could swim in the middle of the swimming pool at the deep end. (May I just comment that once again this was another bright idea of mine.) As we swam to the designated area, we were full of adrenaline. Would our mom catch us? Would we have fun? Could we even survive by our young, not experienced selves? As we reached our goal, it instantly lost its appeal and the world and situation around us seemed to be frightening. As we both started to get scared and struggle to stay above water, we acted on instincts and tried to save ourselves. Saving ourselves meant that we would push the other one under water. We fought each other to save ourselves. We risked the other person’s chance for life, for our own. This one experience would never be repeated again, but the lesson would be repeated numerous times in my life.
I have swum into the deep end of the pool many times in my life. (Many actually might just be an understatement.) As I have fought for my life, my heart, my whole being, I used many forms of survival. Pushing others down to hold myself up, running away so I would not have to bare people watch me, or even used some sort of fix for my temporary life support. Stupid Rees.
I have been on the other side many times too. I have been the one who people push down many times. I have tried to hold up both of us. I have tried to swim with all my might, but something I need to keep reminding myself is; I CANNOT save anyone but myself. That is not my job, responsibility or actually even ipossible to do.
So the real question is…how do you stop trying to save someone? How do you watch the ones you love sink to the bottom or die in some way, shape or form? How do I fight for myself without affecting anyone else? Maybe one day I will figure it out, but today I have to keep swimming for me.
